How to dress appropriately
Why do I never get the image right?
I can be in the right place at the right time. I can even say the right thing – occasionally – but if people remember me at all, they’re probably saying:
“Was that woman having a bad hair day or does she always look like that?”
I know what you’re thinking but I can never get a last-minute appointment with my simply-marvellous-darling hairdresser Larry at Daniel Hersheshon.
I don’t drink… I don’t smoke… I have a little hairdressing problem. Show some compassion.
So there I was, armed with business cards, bad hair and wearing the wrong clothes.
Dammit, I’m always wearing the wrong clothes. I went to the Groucho Club Gang Show the other day wearing a 1930s outfit. Everyone else was in jeans and sneakers. Or was that the men? Probably not, come to think of it.
Anyway, I looked like somebody’s Granny and it wasn’t a good look. Ben from Big Brother obviously thought I was an elder statesman because he thanked me very much for inviting him, which I hadn’t.
He apologised and said he was trying to work out the hierarchy in our party. “Don’t worry about me,” I whispered, confidentially, “I’m nobody.”
Of course I was whispering because walls have ears at the Groucho and the penalty for being nobody is a lifetime ban.
Anyway, this Granny Look reminded me of the time I somehow infiltrated the MTV Building and all the bright young things walked past me with heads cocked to one side and an indulgent smile on their faces as if to say, “Aw bless, someone’s brought their mother in with them”.
Never let it be said that I do not try. After the Groucho Club debacle I deliberately wore jeans and sneakers to the book launch and found everyone else in cocktail gear. Except for the men.
I met Helen Lederer and Katie Fforde and they said nothing about my look. Of course they didn’t. They are as lovely as a summer’s day and yet more temperate. Well Katie is anyway. Helen’s a madwoman. But we already knew that.
I’m looking forward to reading Jane’s new book: Wannabe a Writer We’ve Heard of?
Oh yes, I can answer that one…
And Auntie Jane, if you’re taking requests, can the next please be ‘Don’t Judge a bird by its Feathers…’