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There was an old woman who swallowed a shoe

March 11, 2010

If I had a column in a National newspaper I could afford a rant on important news items like the state of the Social Services.

Of course, the publication would have to be fairly right-wing, as my political stance seems to be woolly-minded fascism with liberal tendencies. I have a good side, though. Sometimes it’s woolly-minded liberalism with fascist tendencies.

And alas, I do not have said column, yet. I only have this blog and refuse to sully it with nasty realism.

So today’s important opus will be about the old woman who lives not in a shoe, but in Georgia. And she didn’t swallow a shoe either, in case you were wondering. That was a different old lady, who swallowed a spider.

But this one is real. She’s called Antisa Khvichava,  she is alive, and at the age of 130 claims to be the oldest living human being. Wow.

I’d like to be that old. I don’t think my life really began until I had experienced and survived breast cancer, which happened when I was 39, so I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and not a moment to lose.

What’s the rush? I’ll tell you.

At my dad’s funeral, his brother John said it was a bit worrying that their father, their older brother and my dad himself had all died at the age of 57. I asked him how old he was.

“Fifty-six,” he said.

Is my Uncle John still alive, I wonder? He disappeared to Germany and was never seen again. Well, not by me anyway. Should I be scared?

And if I manage to get through that watershed, I’d like to see my 100th birthday, as long as it doesn’t hurt.

Is that even remotely possible? Let’s face it; the 130 year old lady must be feeling a bit stiff.

I mean, I’m feeling a bit stiff myself and she is over twenty years off being three times my age. Ha! Fooled you. Only a numerical genius will be able to work out my age from that nifty brain-twister. And I am quietly confident that anyone who thinks my maths puzzle was more infantile than nifty will not be able to say so because that sort of person won’t be reading my blog in the first place.

Antisa would like an entry in the Guinness Book of Records. In fact, though she will take the record from a Japanese woman who is a mere snip of a girl at 114, Antisa has made it by a hair. Sahan Dosova from Kazakhstan would have been 131 this year if she hadn’t died as the result of slipping in the bath.

My Aunt June drowned in the bath but that’s another story. And the question is, was she fifty-seven at the time? We may never know.

To round up, and before I take my pills, I will finish this blog with a hat-trick of trivia.

1. How sad is it that Sahan outlived all but three of her children?

2. How mad is it that she died on my birthday; the birthday I share with Irving Berlin?

3. And how bad is it that she had to wait 130 years before she got her fifteen minutes of fame?

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